His Type
by Sovrani
Summary: Oneoff. Artemis likes a challenge, whatever type it may be. R & R please!


**(Disclaimer: I don't own Arty. Period. The End. Semi Colon. Though I do own Tiffany, Tiffany's friends and Artemis' unnamed invention.) **

**(A/N: This is my first oneoff that I actually like and isn't angsty. My failed attempts at oneoffs are collecting in my desktop Recycle Bin. Set somewhere between Opal Deception and Lost Colony. Please read!) **

**His Type **

St Bartelby's School for Young Gentlemen had possibly the best facilities in all of Ireland. They boys had separate dormitories and the school provided their computers, the bathrooms were lit with chandeliers and the school chef had once worked for the President of France. No wonder it costed the parents ten thousand Euros a term. But there was one thing that the school didn't have: Female interaction.

At the beginning of the year, the schools Board of Governors had formed a meeting and decided that they would bring in a class of girls for a trial basis, and depending on the reactions of the boys, they would review the subject. So a few weeks after the meeting, a class from St Bartelby's sister school arrived by train and had made themselves at home.

A school full of pubescent boys and only twenty or so girls was a bad mix. As the girls would walk past the classrooms in their small groups, jaws would drop, elbows would slip off desks and the females would generally cause a disturbance. This was usually followed by a lot of giggling and plenty of blushing.

Much to the relief of the teachers, the girls were only staying for three weeks, and the time hadn't gone fast enough. The girls would be leaving tomorrow, and plenty of the students were disappointed. But a select few of the boys, (some homosexuals, others just fed up with the feminine presence) were glad that the girls would be leaving. A certain boy had one of the rooms next to the main girls' dorm, and he was sick of the midnight pillow fights, the constant hair-and-makeup talk and the frequent shrieks of "Oh my god!" They would be leaving tomorrow, and they were all inside their dorm now.

Most would presume that the girls were packing quietly and getting ready for bed, but this certain boy knew otherwise.

The boy in question, Artemis Fowl the Second, currently had a new invention of his in his hand, speakers in his ears and a sound amplifier shoved up against the wall. He was listening to the girls talk, and there was only one subject of interest to them.

'Oh my god, you know the guy in the dorm next to us?'

'What, the redhead?'

'No, the one with the black hair!'

'Oh yeah, what about him?'

'Don't you think he's cute?'

'He's OK, but he's really pale. I generally go for more tanned guys.'

'Who cares about his tan? Have you heard the way he talks? He sounds SO compassionate!'

'Yeah, and his eyes are TOTALLY gorgeous!'

'But have you seen the way he looks at us? He looks kind of mean...'

'No way, he's just shy.'

'I think he's just an introvert.'

'Meaning what?'

'He's so not interested that even Tiff couldn't get him to kiss her!'

'I could so!' A new voice, presumably belonging to Tiff, had just joined the conversation.

'Oh really? Fifty bucks says you can't get him to kiss you before we leave tomorrow.'

Artemis arched an eyebrow during the pause that followed.

'Fifty bucks says I _can_. And I get to use your hair-straightener and cherry flavoured lipgloss for a month.'

'You are so on! Shake on it!'

'No way! I'll chip my nails!'

A chorus of giggling came after this comment. Artemis pulled the speakers out of his ears and shoved his gadget in a drawer. He had heard enough.

Artemis withdrew his toiletries case from his suitcase. The girls would be leaving tomorrow at Ten A.M, so this "Tiff" person wouldn't have long. Artemis pulled at the doorknob with a smirk; he could stay in his room all night so they couldn't speak to him, but what fun would there be in that? Artemis liked a challenge, whatever type it may be.

He made his way to the bathroom, and in the corner of his eye he saw a blonde head poke out the gap in the girl's bedroom door. While he brushed his teeth and washed his face, he could hear hurried whispering just outside the door. He smirked again.

He left the bathroom and had hardly taken two steps when four girls strode up to him. The blonde one was standing just in front of the others, who were overcome with giggles.

'Hi,' she said, flashing him a dazzling smile, displaying very white, even teeth. 'I'm Tiffany, who are you?'

'Not even remotely interested,' said Artemis, stepping away from them. He knew very well he wouldn't get away that easily.

Tiffany giggled. 'That's cute, but really, what's your name?'

'Artemis Fowl,' Artemis gave Tiffany a one-over. She was slightly shorter than him, wearing high-heeled school shoes (he didn't even know such things existed) and a very, very short skirt, showing quite a bit of her thighs. Her nails were long and manicured, and there appeared to be half a bottle of mascara on each of her eyes, which were bright green.

Tiffany giggled again. The sound irritated Artemis to no end. 'That's a cute name. So Artemis,' she bit her lip in what she probably thought to be a seductive manner, 'we're leaving tomorrow, and we haven't seen much of the school. Do you think you could show us around? Or rather, show _me_ around?'

Artemis checked his watch. It was past ten-thirty.

'No, I don't think so. You're leaving tomorrow morning and I have some business that must be attended to.'

Tiffany blinked. If she had just heard correctly, a boy had just declined her obvious invitation to snog her senseless in an empty classroom. But she quickly caught herself and smiled again.

'Well, I still feel really bad, I've been here three weeks and I've never gotten to know you, even though you were right next door to us.'

'Don't be sorry, I don't care anyway. But,' said Artemis, suddenly getting an idea, 'I suppose we could have a question answer session, I'll go first, shall I?'

Tiffany nodded eagerly. Those fifty dollars were in the bag. As well as the hair-straightener and that lipgloss. Cherry _was_ her favourite flavour.

Artemis thought for a moment. 'Very well then. Tell me, your hair: Dyed or a wig?'

Tiffany was speechless. Her friends gasped behind her.

'Can't think of anything? Alright then, my turn again. The contents of your bra: Socks or tissues?'

Tiffany's hand flew to her chest. Her friends were whispering madly.

'Still nothing? While you're thinking, tell me about that stomach of yours: Self-induced vomiting or liposuction?'

Tiffany's hand dropped to her perfectly flat stomach with her navel stud. Her eyes welled up with tears and her friends were now looking mortified.

'I... you... I...' Tiffany stuttered at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, and then regained some self-control. 'What is your problem?'

Artemis shrugged as he headed back to his dorm. 'You're just not my type, that's all.'

'Of course I'm your type, I'm everyone's type!' Tiffany was being comforted by her friends who were glaring daggers at Artemis. The blonde had eyeliner running down her face; she didn't look quite so attractive with her eyes all puffy.

'I am not Everyone,' Artemis said smugly, pulling open his door.

'Then what type _do_ you like?' Tiffany shrieked at him, wiping her eyes furiously.

Artemis stopped. She had finally thought of her question, and an interesting one at that. Artemis turned to face her again, his thin, dark eyebrows furrowed. He was thinking for a while, but then he finally spoke.

'The type that's one metre tall, has an auburn crew cut and hazel eyes. The type that isn't afraid to talk back to me, punch me, and show her dangerous side.' Artemis looked the girl in the eye, his gaze was piercing, and enough to make her look away.

'Goodnight to you,' he said, pulling his door shut, leaving the girls out in the hallway, staring at the place where he had been, Tiffany's shoulders shaking with sobs. The silence was broken by one of Tiffany's friends.

'You owe me fifty dollars.'

**THE END **

**(A/N: Knowing me, I had to incorporate some kind of Holly/Arty hint somewhere XD Review for me... please... –puppy dog eyes-) **


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